So it's been a few weeks since I responded and here's why.
I moved out on the 10th. Her new man moved in on the 11th.
I also stopped drinking, and talking to my tg counseler. Why?
I have always wondered what it would be like to be a woman, and I always envied their connections with one another, the ability to create life, their inner and outer beauty. Long story short, it would be cool to be a woman, but not in this lifetime.
I have been living on my buddies couch for the last few weeks and his internet is 56k so....no webs for me. I did start a new job where I can post from and find a place to call my own.
She told me she fell out of love with me 2 years ago and was just waiting for me to realize it. I am still very much in love with her and miss her and my children deeply. But, life changes and you either adapt or fall to the wayside. I get to see my kids whenever I want.
The new guy? He makes her very happy. The sparkle is back in her eyes. She is smiling and laughing again. That makes me happy to know she is happy, but sad to know it is with someone else not me. That being said we have been hanging out a lot, driving around, just talking. It's been years since we just sat and talked. No walking on eggshells, no fighting, no anger. Just talking like old friends. It's been freaking awesome.
My friends have stepped up big time. They came and grabbed my crying [censored] off the couch and took me out for some drinks and pool. I have now joined the local APA chapter and will be shooting pool twice a week. It's so nice to have something to look forward to instead of sitting on the couch watching movies on my laptop and hating myself. One of my friend's sister is going through something similar (divorce, ltr) and we have been talking a LOT. There is definite attraction there on both our parts. That being said it is nice to talk to someone who is where I am. Get the female side of things.
I hate myself for getting my priorities out of whack and not placing my family above myself. I became a very angry, selfish [censored] for a period of time and would give anything to go back in time and punch myself in the face and say "Look at what you are doing! She's crying and your on the godammned computer!." But since there are no genies, no time machines, I can't do that. All I can do is hope the fates bless me with another woman who is half the woman she is. I have purged all my computers except for my laptop and tablets. I use them now for work, music and movies only. No games, no porn.
MODS: Is it possible to change the thread title to "Midlife crisis' suck"?
So where do she and I stand at this point?
We are getting divorced. We are remaining friends. I will have access to my kids whenever I want to see them without any stupid custody arrangements. Just verify eachother's schedules and come get the kids. Considering the hell I put her through and that we can still be friends and shes not going to play the kid card in court, I am literally blown away by the size of her heart.
God I was [censored] stupid. But I know what I need to do.
I need to get my [censored] together. Get my own place. Heal, grieve, grow.
Be the best [censored] father I know I can be.
It'd be nice to win her back, but honestly I don't see that happening. It's ok. I was the one who [censored] things up. I can man up and take the responsibility and consequences for my actions. I think part of that is analyzing and processing exactly where and why I lost control and what I can do to ensure that it never happens again.
The range of emotions I have experienced is like nothing I have ever gone through before. Ever. The stress alone has caused me to lose 16 pounds (which I needed to lose anyway). Sleep comes in 2-3 hour bursts but seems to be leveling out as I adjust and process. I didn't eat for [censored] near a week, just a nibble here and there.
I am 35 and we were together for 15 years, married for 14. So almost half my life was with her. I know I am nowhere near ready to throw myself back out there yet, not by a longshot. That being said what is it with women and their ability to know when a guy is in trouble? I have had more women flirt with me in the last few weeks than I can ever remember. It's freaky, weird, and nice to feel attractive.
So here's to that thing we call life. It's awesome. It sucks.
Hello world, my name is Mike and I am ready for you. Bring it on!
tl;dr: Stupid idiot gets his [censored] together.
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