I do not know if you can view this. But I really feel that at this point my life I must surround myself with a security blanket. If you guys can read this I could really use your feedback whether or not it is good, bad or neutral. Please know that this cost me most of my family including my wife whom I love with all my heart and my brothers.

http://arstechnica.com/civis/viewtopic. ... &t=1173216

If you cannot read this please do not PM me just respond in this thread and I will post the contents of the original post from the other board.

That being said Ars Technica rocks so hardcore and the out pouring of support has pretty much left me in a lump of emotional warm fuzzies that I cannot describe in text how I feel at this moment.

Views will be challenged, and paradigm's changed.

If you want a sneak preview of I am about to endure and what will truly shatter my life as it is but make allow me to be who I am please from now on.........call me Amy.

I have had a few views in this thread, so allow me to post to contents of the e-mail which I had post anonymously for me on Ars Technica.

My only request is that if you feel that you need to flame me, please be civil about it and do it via a PM. I am going through enough stress in my life that anything unnecessary is well....unnecessary.

I just got off the phone with my sister.

She is the only family member out of 4 brothers, 2 sets of grandparaents, 1 set of parents and my wife who supports me.

So Nikki on the off chance that you ever stumble across this: I love you so much!

to evryone else:

xoxoxoxo

I understand your reaction and felt that at first.

But now?

I am comfortable with who and what I am.

It has taken years of self denial, delusion, and personal misery to come to this.

- Amy.

PS - To those of you who PM'd me with your thoughts of well being and support, I say thank you. Thank you so much.

Matey, it's a free society so do whatever you want with your life and your destiny. It is your choice ... it might not fit my ideals but you are you and it's your life. Go ahead and enjoy the outcome. Good luck, Amy.

Hi Amy.

My thoughts are do what makes you happy! Bending to society and living your life in disguise is not a way to live. You will suffer tremendously if you are not true to yourself. I wish you the best!!!

Hi Amy,

Thank you for sharing a piece of your world with me today. We all have a life behind these screens and keys. We are people that have a story inside of us and you told a piece of yours today from your heart. Thank you!

John

Hey Amy,

Thanks for sharing this with all of us. I support you 100% and wish you all the best. Be yourself and ignore the naysayers, just surround yourself with people who support you (stay away from those who don't). It's your life and you can do whatever you want with it. Don't fall to society's trap of being " just like everyone else" and do not let them control you - it's just a scheme they employ to feel better about themselves because they're insecure about themselves. They want to control everything and not let people be themselves because they lack empathy (I grew up in a dysfunctional family so I know what I'm talking about).

Judging from how full my inbox has been lately, I would like to say thank you to everyone. The amount of random personal support I have received to date is simply amazing.

You all rock.

I just saw this thread and clicked from curiosity. I don't think we've ever talked on the forum. In any case, thanks for sharing something personal, and congratulations on finally resolving the BIOS incompatibility issue that's been causing you agony. Best wishes to you, be happy, be yourself, and don't worry about small-minded people who refuse to understand you. I hope soon you can return to talking Thinkpads with us.

stay strong..the people who matter will come back, in one way or another. you have to do what you have to do.

errr, ok.. coming to this party a little late..

and i can only add that you must be true to yourself..
others will or will not come around..
real friends will (come around) and false friends won't..

i could go on and on but you have true friends around here..

stay in touch and ask when you need an ear..

So it's been a few weeks since I responded and here's why.

I moved out on the 10th. Her new man moved in on the 11th.

I also stopped drinking, and talking to my tg counseler. Why?

I have always wondered what it would be like to be a woman, and I always envied their connections with one another, the ability to create life, their inner and outer beauty. Long story short, it would be cool to be a woman, but not in this lifetime.

I have been living on my buddies couch for the last few weeks and his internet is 56k so....no webs for me. I did start a new job where I can post from and find a place to call my own.

She told me she fell out of love with me 2 years ago and was just waiting for me to realize it. I am still very much in love with her and miss her and my children deeply. But, life changes and you either adapt or fall to the wayside. I get to see my kids whenever I want.

The new guy? He makes her very happy. The sparkle is back in her eyes. She is smiling and laughing again. That makes me happy to know she is happy, but sad to know it is with someone else not me. That being said we have been hanging out a lot, driving around, just talking. It's been years since we just sat and talked. No walking on eggshells, no fighting, no anger. Just talking like old friends. It's been freaking awesome.

My friends have stepped up big time. They came and grabbed my crying *****Expletives removed by Moderator***** off the couch and took me out for some drinks and pool. I have now joined the local APA chapter and will be shooting pool twice a week. It's so nice to have something to look forward to instead of sitting on the couch watching movies on my laptop and hating myself. One of my friend's sister is going through something similar (divorce, ltr) and we have been talking a LOT. There is definite attraction there on both our parts. That being said it is nice to talk to someone who is where I am. Get the female side of things.

I hate myself for getting my priorities out of whack and not placing my family above myself. I became a very angry, selfish *****Expletives removed by Moderator***** for a period of time and would give anything to go back in time and punch myself in the face and say "Look at what you are doing! She's crying and your on the godammned computer!." But since there are no genies, no time machines, I can't do that. All I can do is hope the fates bless me with another woman who is half the woman she is. I have purged all my computers except for my laptop and tablets. I use them now for work, music and movies only. No games, no porn.

MODS: Is it possible to change the thread title to "Midlife crisis' suck"?

So where do she and I stand at this point?

We are getting divorced. We are remaining friends. I will have access to my kids whenever I want to see them without any stupid custody arrangements. Just verify eachother's schedules and come get the kids. Considering the hell I put her through and that we can still be friends and shes not going to play the kid card in court, I am literally blown away by the size of her heart.

God I was *****Expletives removed by Moderator***** stupid. But I know what I need to do.

I need to get my *****Expletives removed by Moderator***** together. Get my own place. Heal, grieve, grow.

Be the best *****Expletives removed by Moderator***** father I know I can be.

It'd be nice to win her back, but honestly I don't see that happening. It's ok. I was the one who *****Expletives removed by Moderator***** things up. I can man up and take the responsibility and consequences for my actions. I think part of that is analyzing and processing exactly where and why I lost control and what I can do to ensure that it never happens again.

The range of emotions I have experienced is like nothing I have ever gone through before. Ever. The stress alone has caused me to lose 16 pounds (which I needed to lose anyway). Sleep comes in 2-3 hour bursts but seems to be leveling out as I adjust and process. I didn't eat for *****Expletives removed by Moderator***** near a week, just a nibble here and there.

I am 35 and we were together for 15 years, married for 14. So almost half my life was with her. I know I am nowhere near ready to throw myself back out there yet, not by a longshot. That being said what is it with women and their ability to know when a guy is in trouble? I have had more women flirt with me in the last few weeks than I can ever remember. It's freaky, weird, and nice to feel attractive.

So here's to that thing we call life. It's awesome. It sucks.

Hello world, my name is Mike and I am ready for you. Bring it on!

------------------------------------

tl;dr: Stupid idiot gets his *****Expletives removed by Moderator***** together.

Go to the first post in this thread and click the 'edit' button, then change the Subject(=title) of that first post.

and
Good to hear - good news!

Just got to read this thread. Thanks for sharing with the forum. You should know that you have more support than you know.
Kindest regards,
Mike